Thursday, December 18, 2008

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?


At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.


At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.


At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.


At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.


At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.


At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!


At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
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Saturday, December 13, 2008

This Is Good!

The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off.Examining the situation, the friend remarked as usual,"This is good!"To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king
was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that
was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.
As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.
"You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off."
And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so
I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me
to do this."
"No," his friend replied, "This is good!""What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my
friend to jail for a year?"
"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."Situations may not always seem pleasant while we experiencethem, but it depends the way you see them... the choice is yours!


~Christian Godefroy


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Friday, December 5, 2008

The Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain
rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung
everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during
which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid
to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped
coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.



A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed
her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the
house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the
curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING.

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Filipinisms 101

*Excerpts from "Filipinisms 101" under the column 'Crazed'
by Patricia Chanco Evangelista, Lifestyle section of 'The Philippine Star'


1. Achuchu (A-chu-chu). This refers to the pointless insincerities being said during long, involved conversations about nothing at all.

2. Ano (A-noh). The all-around, all-purpose word for everything.
(1) Pronoun in interrogation: Ano? (What)
(2) Noun: Where is your ano? (Where is your father / mother / dead-uncle's- second-cousin)
(3) Verb: Anuhin this. (Paint / kill / maim / castrate this.)
(4) Adjective: This is so ano. (This is so pretty / big / astounding.)
(5) Interjection: Ano! (What the hell!)
(6) Substitute for genitalia: Did you ano your ano?

The use of ano is quite dangerous for the untrained ear, and must be put into the proper setting. "Honey, the ano is too long, we have to cut it," must be accompanied by the proper understanding of the context, as results may be critical to a couple's future.

3. Booba (boo-bah). A female blessed with larger than usual mammary glands, which can be used as weapons of mass destruction.

4. Checheboreche (Che-che-boh-re-che). Same as achuchu. It is interesting to ponder on the reason why there are so many words in the Filipino language that beautifully describe meaningless chatter.

5. Epal (Eh-pal). An individual who believes he is God. [My personal understanding of this word is that epal is derived from the word 'papel' pronounced backwards, ala-'60's style, describing someone na mahilig pumapel. Ma-epal or ma-papel, thus the writer's description of an individual who believes he is God; akala mo alam lahat, lahat pina-papelan.]

6. Gigil (gee-gil). An uncontrollable desire to bite something.

7. Hipon (Hee-pon) [My favorite!]. Literally "shrimp," whose body is eaten while its head is thrown away, this refers to a female whose body is to die for and whose face looks like it belongs to the dead.

8. Indyanero (In-jan-neh-ro). An individual who fails to appear at an appointment without prior warning. Not to be confused with individuals who appear according to Filipino time (approximately 10 minutes before the meeting is to end).

9. Japorms (Jah-porms). Describes an individual dressed differently from the usual (typically involves clothes that have been laundered and pant legs of roughly the same length).



10. Kikay (Kee-kay). Refers to individuals who carry a brush, hand wash, moisturizer, lip-gloss and various other facial enhancements in a case (aptly called a kikay kit) inside her bag. Recent inspections of various backpacks have led to the conclusion it is not purely a female trait. This breed cannot resist checking themselves out on mirrors, glass windows, bread knives, sidewalk puddles and plastic covered notebooks.

11. Kaekekan (Ka-ek-e-khan). Same as achuchu and checheboreche.

12. Kilig (Keel-leg). A rush of excitement due to the actions, presence or even mention of he whom you see as the future father of your children.

13. Laglag-brip (Lag-lag-brip). The female counterpart of laglag-panti.

14. Laglag-panti (Lag-lag-pan-tee). A man so incredibly hot, so heart-stoppingly gorgeous and oozing with masculinity that female underwear (whether worn by males or females) falls to the ground without effort whatsoever.

15. Lagot (Lah-got). A prophesy of evil things to come.

16. Para (Pah-rah). A term that informs the driver of a jeep to stop and pause (usually in the middle of the road) as the individual speaking intends to leave the vehicle. Dangerous for individuals as drivers seem to believe having one foot in the air is all that is necessary for descent.

17. Takusa (Ta-kuh-sa). Derived from takot sa asawa (afraid of wife), this is a term used to describe the silent (very silent) minority of males married to feminine reincarnations of Hitler.

18. Torpe (Tore-peh). A gentleman who is desperately attracted to a female yet by some strange compulsion is reduced to a frozen mound of stuttering male whenever that female is near.

Now let's practice:
"Honey, when I first saw you, I made laglag-brip, and was almost torpe. When I finally got the nerve to date you, I almost became indyanero because I didn't think I had the right japorms. When you're around, I'm kilig, when you're not, I get gigil. You may think all this is achuchu, kaekekan, just checheboreche, but in truth, my love, I'm so ano with you."


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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Para sa mga Pinoy! Break Muna at Mag-smile!

THEME SONGS NG MAG ASAWA:
1-10 years: Araw-Araw, Gabi-Gabi
11-20 years: Saan Ka Man Naroroon
21-50 years: Gaano Kadalas ang Minsan
50- above : Maala Ala Mo Kaya

LIFE'S CYCLE:
3 to 8 years old: paramihan ng toys
9 to 18: pataasan ng grades
19 to 25: padamihan ng syota
26 to 35: pagandahan ng asawa
36 to 45: palakihan ng income
46 to 55: padamihan, pagandahan at pabataan ng kabit
56 to 70: padamihan ng sakit
71 and above: pabonggahan ng LIBING! hahahaha!

ESSENCE OF SMELL IN LIFE:

Lotion for babies
Cologne for the 20's
Efficacent oil for the 40's
Bawang and Luya for the 60's
Beyond 60's.... FORMALIN NA.

DIFFERENT PRAYERS OF SINGLE WOWEN:

At 15: Lord give me superMAN
At 18: Lord give me a cute MAN
At 20: Lord give me the best MAN
At 30: Lord give me a good MAN
At 40: Lord give me a MAN
At 50: Lord give me sino MAN
At 60: Lord maawa ka naMAN
At 70: Lord kaya ko pa naMAN
At 80: Lord kahit mahipo MAN lang.
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Para sa mga Pinoy! Istorya ni inday, dakilang alalay!

Dahil sa tindi ng kahirapan sa
probinsya, namasukan si Inday bilang
katulong sa Maynila. Habang ini-interview ng amo...

Amo: Kelangan namin ng katulong para
mag ayos ng bahay, magluto,maglaba, magplantsa, mamalengke, at
magbantay ng mga bata. Kaya mo ba ang lahat ng ito?

Inday: I believe that my trained
skills and expertise in management with
the use of standard tools, and my
discipline and experience will
contribute significantly to the value
of the work that you want, my
creativity, productivity and work-
efficiency and the high quality of
outcomes I can offer will boost the
work progress.

Amo : [nosebleed]

Nakaraan ang dalawang araw, umuwi ang
amo, nakitang me bukol si junior.

Amo: Bakit me bukol si junior?

Inday: Compromising safety with
useless aesthetics, the not-so-well
engineered architectural design of our
kitchen lavatory affected the
boy's cranium with a slight boil at
the left temple near the auditory
organ.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]

Kinagabihan, habang naghahapunan.

Amo: Bakit maalat ang ulam?

Inday: The consistency was fine. But
you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride
(NaCl) affected the taste drastically and those actions are
irreversible. I do apologize.

Amo: [nosebleed na naman]

Donya: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko,
nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng tv?!

Inday: Because I don't want you to see
me doing absolutely nothing.

Donya: [hinimatay]

Kinabukasan, sinamahan ni Inday si
junior sa principal's office dahil
di makapunta ang amo at donya.

Principal: Sinuntok ni junior ang
kanyang kaklase.

Inday: It's absurd! It was never a fact that he will
inflict a fight.I can only imagine how you handle
schizophrenic kids on this educational institution. Revise your
policies because they suck!

Principal: [nag resign]

Pag dating sa bahay, nandun na ang
amo, galit na galit.

Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura
sa likod ng bahay?!

Inday: A change in the weather
patterns might have occurred wrecking
havoc to the surroundings. The way the
debris are scattered indicat es that the gust of wind was
going northeast causing damage to the path it was heading for.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]

Habang nagluluto si Inday ng hapunan,
malikot si junior.

Inday : Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property
damages and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment to be
inflicted upon you!

Junior: [takbo sa CR, punasan ang
nagdudugong ilong]


Pagkatapos magluto, nanood na ng TV si
Inday. Nabalitaan nya umalis si
Angel Locsin sa GMA 7.

Junior: Bakit kaya sya umalis?

Inday: Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons
but because they just know that things will get worse if they'll stay.
Leaving can be a tough act, and it's harder when people can't understand
you for doing so.

Junior: [tuloy ang pagdugo ng ilong]

Nung gabing yon, me nag text ke Inday. Si Dodong, ang driver ng
kapitbahay, gusto maki pag text-mate.

Inday: To forestall further hopes of acquaintance, my unfathomable
stat ement to the denial of your request - Petition denied.

Di nagla-on, dahil sa tyaga ni Dodong, nagging syota nya rin si Inday.
Pero di tumagal ang kanilang relasyon, at nakipag-break si Inday ke
Dodong.

Inday: The statute restricts me to love you but you have the
provocations. The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you.
We have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each
other because the upper household dismissed my petition!"

Dodong : Perhaps you are mistaken, what you seem to contrive as any
affections for you are somewhat half-hearted. I was merely attempting to
expand my network of interests by involving you in my daily recreation.
Hereto for, you can expect an end to any verbal articulation from myself"

Me dumaan na mamang basurero, at
narinig ang usapan ni Inday at Dodong.

Basurero (sabi ke Inday): Be careful in letting go of the things you
thought are just nothing because maybe someday you'll realize that the
one you gave away is the very thing you've been wishing for to stay.

******** ITO NA UNG UPDATE *********

Narinig ang lahat ng eto ng amo ni
inday.

Amo: Mula ngayon, walang magsasalita ng ingles, sinumang magpadugo ng ilong
ko at sa anak ko, palalayasin sa pamamahay na ito.

Inday: Ang namutawi sa inyong labi ay mataman ko pong iimbak sa sulok ng
aking balintataw, kaibuturan ng aking puso, gugunam- gunamin. Sakbibi ng
madlang lumbay kung mapapaalis sa gunita yaring tinuran.

Amo: Leche, di kami sinauna!!! Yung
makabago ang gusto ko !!

Inday: Tarush! Pachenes pa tong chorva eklavuboo chuva tabayishki kun
suplandish ...:)

Amo: [ nagpakamatay]

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Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Funny Occur



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Break Dance




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Darna - Angel Locsin (Daw!)






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Bomb




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Billiard




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White Chicks!



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Toilet




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Stick Running




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Stick Man Fighting




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Sexy In The Shower




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Matrix




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Matrix Pingpong



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Magic Treek




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Liquid Body Builder




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Kevin Garnet Daming Taong Pasan



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Jolibee Scandal




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Mouse Love




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You Sexy Thing




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