What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.


At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.


At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.


At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.


At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!


At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
Read more...

This Is Good!

The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off.Examining the situation, the friend remarked as usual,"This is good!"To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king
was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that
was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.
As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.
"You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off."
And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so
I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me
to do this."
"No," his friend replied, "This is good!""What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my
friend to jail for a year?"
"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."Situations may not always seem pleasant while we experiencethem, but it depends the way you see them... the choice is yours!

~Christian Godefroy

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The Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain
rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung
everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during
which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid
to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped
coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.



A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed
her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the
house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the
curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING.

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Filipinisms 101

*Excerpts from "Filipinisms 101" under the column 'Crazed'
by Patricia Chanco Evangelista, Lifestyle section of 'The Philippine Star'


1. Achuchu (A-chu-chu). This refers to the pointless insincerities being said during long, involved conversations about nothing at all.

2. Ano (A-noh). The all-around, all-purpose word for everything.
(1) Pronoun in interrogation: Ano? (What)
(2) Noun: Where is your ano? (Where is your father / mother / dead-uncle's- second-cousin)
(3) Verb: Anuhin this. (Paint / kill / maim / castrate this.)
(4) Adjective: This is so ano. (This is so pretty / big / astounding.)
(5) Interjection: Ano! (What the hell!)
(6) Substitute for genitalia: Did you ano your ano?

The use of ano is quite dangerous for the untrained ear, and must be put into the proper setting. "Honey, the ano is too long, we have to cut it," must be accompanied by the proper understanding of the context, as results may be critical to a couple's future.

3. Booba (boo-bah). A female blessed with larger than usual mammary glands, which can be used as weapons of mass destruction.

4. Checheboreche (Che-che-boh-re-che). Same as achuchu. It is interesting to ponder on the reason why there are so many words in the Filipino language that beautifully describe meaningless chatter.

5. Epal (Eh-pal). An individual who believes he is God. [My personal understanding of this word is that epal is derived from the word 'papel' pronounced backwards, ala-'60's style, describing someone na mahilig pumapel. Ma-epal or ma-papel, thus the writer's description of an individual who believes he is God; akala mo alam lahat, lahat pina-papelan.]

6. Gigil (gee-gil). An uncontrollable desire to bite something.

7. Hipon (Hee-pon) [My favorite!]. Literally "shrimp," whose body is eaten while its head is thrown away, this refers to a female whose body is to die for and whose face looks like it belongs to the dead.

8. Indyanero (In-jan-neh-ro). An individual who fails to appear at an appointment without prior warning. Not to be confused with individuals who appear according to Filipino time (approximately 10 minutes before the meeting is to end).

9. Japorms (Jah-porms). Describes an individual dressed differently from the usual (typically involves clothes that have been laundered and pant legs of roughly the same length).



10. Kikay (Kee-kay). Refers to individuals who carry a brush, hand wash, moisturizer, lip-gloss and various other facial enhancements in a case (aptly called a kikay kit) inside her bag. Recent inspections of various backpacks have led to the conclusion it is not purely a female trait. This breed cannot resist checking themselves out on mirrors, glass windows, bread knives, sidewalk puddles and plastic covered notebooks.

11. Kaekekan (Ka-ek-e-khan). Same as achuchu and checheboreche.

12. Kilig (Keel-leg). A rush of excitement due to the actions, presence or even mention of he whom you see as the future father of your children.

13. Laglag-brip (Lag-lag-brip). The female counterpart of laglag-panti.

14. Laglag-panti (Lag-lag-pan-tee). A man so incredibly hot, so heart-stoppingly gorgeous and oozing with masculinity that female underwear (whether worn by males or females) falls to the ground without effort whatsoever.

15. Lagot (Lah-got). A prophesy of evil things to come.

16. Para (Pah-rah). A term that informs the driver of a jeep to stop and pause (usually in the middle of the road) as the individual speaking intends to leave the vehicle. Dangerous for individuals as drivers seem to believe having one foot in the air is all that is necessary for descent.

17. Takusa (Ta-kuh-sa). Derived from takot sa asawa (afraid of wife), this is a term used to describe the silent (very silent) minority of males married to feminine reincarnations of Hitler.

18. Torpe (Tore-peh). A gentleman who is desperately attracted to a female yet by some strange compulsion is reduced to a frozen mound of stuttering male whenever that female is near.

Now let's practice:
"Honey, when I first saw you, I made laglag-brip, and was almost torpe. When I finally got the nerve to date you, I almost became indyanero because I didn't think I had the right japorms. When you're around, I'm kilig, when you're not, I get gigil. You may think all this is achuchu, kaekekan, just checheboreche, but in truth, my love, I'm so ano with you."


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Para sa mga Pinoy! Break Muna at Mag-smile!

THEME SONGS NG MAG ASAWA:
1-10 years: Araw-Araw, Gabi-Gabi
11-20 years: Saan Ka Man Naroroon
21-50 years: Gaano Kadalas ang Minsan
50- above : Maala Ala Mo Kaya

LIFE'S CYCLE:
3 to 8 years old: paramihan ng toys
9 to 18: pataasan ng grades
19 to 25: padamihan ng syota
26 to 35: pagandahan ng asawa
36 to 45: palakihan ng income
46 to 55: padamihan, pagandahan at pabataan ng kabit
56 to 70: padamihan ng sakit
71 and above: pabonggahan ng LIBING! hahahaha!

ESSENCE OF SMELL IN LIFE:

Lotion for babies
Cologne for the 20's
Efficacent oil for the 40's
Bawang and Luya for the 60's
Beyond 60's.... FORMALIN NA.

DIFFERENT PRAYERS OF SINGLE WOWEN:

At 15: Lord give me superMAN
At 18: Lord give me a cute MAN
At 20: Lord give me the best MAN
At 30: Lord give me a good MAN
At 40: Lord give me a MAN
At 50: Lord give me sino MAN
At 60: Lord maawa ka naMAN
At 70: Lord kaya ko pa naMAN
At 80: Lord kahit mahipo MAN lang.
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Para sa mga Pinoy! Istorya ni inday, dakilang alalay!

Dahil sa tindi ng kahirapan sa
probinsya, namasukan si Inday bilang
katulong sa Maynila. Habang ini-interview ng amo...

Amo: Kelangan namin ng katulong para
mag ayos ng bahay, magluto,maglaba, magplantsa, mamalengke, at
magbantay ng mga bata. Kaya mo ba ang lahat ng ito?

Inday: I believe that my trained
skills and expertise in management with
the use of standard tools, and my
discipline and experience will
contribute significantly to the value
of the work that you want, my
creativity, productivity and work-
efficiency and the high quality of
outcomes I can offer will boost the
work progress.

Amo : [nosebleed]

Nakaraan ang dalawang araw, umuwi ang
amo, nakitang me bukol si junior.

Amo: Bakit me bukol si junior?

Inday: Compromising safety with
useless aesthetics, the not-so-well
engineered architectural design of our
kitchen lavatory affected the
boy's cranium with a slight boil at
the left temple near the auditory
organ.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]

Kinagabihan, habang naghahapunan.

Amo: Bakit maalat ang ulam?

Inday: The consistency was fine. But
you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride
(NaCl) affected the taste drastically and those actions are
irreversible. I do apologize.

Amo: [nosebleed na naman]

Donya: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko,
nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng tv?!

Inday: Because I don't want you to see
me doing absolutely nothing.

Donya: [hinimatay]

Kinabukasan, sinamahan ni Inday si
junior sa principal's office dahil
di makapunta ang amo at donya.

Principal: Sinuntok ni junior ang
kanyang kaklase.

Inday: It's absurd! It was never a fact that he will
inflict a fight.I can only imagine how you handle
schizophrenic kids on this educational institution. Revise your
policies because they suck!

Principal: [nag resign]

Pag dating sa bahay, nandun na ang
amo, galit na galit.

Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura
sa likod ng bahay?!

Inday: A change in the weather
patterns might have occurred wrecking
havoc to the surroundings. The way the
debris are scattered indicat es that the gust of wind was
going northeast causing damage to the path it was heading for.

Amo: [nosebleed ulit]

Habang nagluluto si Inday ng hapunan,
malikot si junior.

Inday : Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property
damages and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment to be
inflicted upon you!

Junior: [takbo sa CR, punasan ang
nagdudugong ilong]


Pagkatapos magluto, nanood na ng TV si
Inday. Nabalitaan nya umalis si
Angel Locsin sa GMA 7.

Junior: Bakit kaya sya umalis?

Inday: Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons
but because they just know that things will get worse if they'll stay.
Leaving can be a tough act, and it's harder when people can't understand
you for doing so.

Junior: [tuloy ang pagdugo ng ilong]

Nung gabing yon, me nag text ke Inday. Si Dodong, ang driver ng
kapitbahay, gusto maki pag text-mate.

Inday: To forestall further hopes of acquaintance, my unfathomable
stat ement to the denial of your request - Petition denied.

Di nagla-on, dahil sa tyaga ni Dodong, nagging syota nya rin si Inday.
Pero di tumagal ang kanilang relasyon, at nakipag-break si Inday ke
Dodong.

Inday: The statute restricts me to love you but you have the
provocations. The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you.
We have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each
other because the upper household dismissed my petition!"

Dodong : Perhaps you are mistaken, what you seem to contrive as any
affections for you are somewhat half-hearted. I was merely attempting to
expand my network of interests by involving you in my daily recreation.
Hereto for, you can expect an end to any verbal articulation from myself"

Me dumaan na mamang basurero, at
narinig ang usapan ni Inday at Dodong.

Basurero (sabi ke Inday): Be careful in letting go of the things you
thought are just nothing because maybe someday you'll realize that the
one you gave away is the very thing you've been wishing for to stay.

******** ITO NA UNG UPDATE *********

Narinig ang lahat ng eto ng amo ni
inday.

Amo: Mula ngayon, walang magsasalita ng ingles, sinumang magpadugo ng ilong
ko at sa anak ko, palalayasin sa pamamahay na ito.

Inday: Ang namutawi sa inyong labi ay mataman ko pong iimbak sa sulok ng
aking balintataw, kaibuturan ng aking puso, gugunam- gunamin. Sakbibi ng
madlang lumbay kung mapapaalis sa gunita yaring tinuran.

Amo: Leche, di kami sinauna!!! Yung
makabago ang gusto ko !!

Inday: Tarush! Pachenes pa tong chorva eklavuboo chuva tabayishki kun
suplandish ...:)

Amo: [ nagpakamatay]

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Funny Occur

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Break Dance

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Darna - Angel Locsin (Daw!)

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Bomb

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Billiard

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White Chicks!

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Toilet

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Stick Running

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Stick Man Fighting

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Sexy In The Shower

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Matrix

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Matrix Pingpong

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Magic Treek

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Liquid Body Builder

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Kevin Garnet Daming Taong Pasan

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Jolibee Scandal

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Mouse Love

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You Sexy Thing

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Synergy Creates Energy By Denis Waitley

Living by comparison is fatal vision, for always there will
be those who appear better off and worse off than ourselves
at any given moment in time.

In truth, there is no such distinction as superior and
subordinate. We all have unique talents that will blossom
and flourish when nurtured.

In past decades, there was a more "look out for number one"
and "don't bring in people who might want your job" style of
leadership. You generally would hire those people who would
do as they were told and who wouldn't challenge your ideas
or authority. This type of thinking led to bulging
bureaucracies and mediocre middle management that accomplished little.

This mind-set also created a scarcity mentality that there
wasn't enough to go around: so don't share ideas, don't
brainstorm with others who might steal your concepts, and
above all, don't help your coworkers or employees succeed.
We have seen that this approach clearly will not work in the global marketplace of the knowledge age.

Today the challenge is to establish networks, strategic
alliances, synergistic relationships, and ad hoc teams to
solve problems and help everyone accomplish their goals. You
now look for those people who are not satisfied with the
status quo, who are striving for excellence and have talents
and abilities that you don't.

This requires that you "check your ego at the door" and that
you don't get intimidated by others who may have different
talents or strengths than you do. This is what synergy is
all about. As we value the differences and look at truly
working together, one plus one really can equal three or
even more.

Focus on "working with others" rather than
"competing against others."
Read more...

Ambitious and Impatient Employees by James Adonis

There are two types of people in this world: those who stand on escalators – and those who frantically walk up them eager to reach their destination a few seconds sooner than the rest.

Escalator-walkers have a lot in common with ambitious and impatient employees. Both groups get frustrated at the thought of being held back by elements beyond their control.

As an aggressive escalator-walker, I speak on behalf of my fellow climbers when I say that there are three main rules of escalator etiquette that we urge others to follow.

- Don’t stand on the right-hand side or in the middle. Otherwise known as “blockers”, these people prevent an escalator-walker from reaching the finish line.

- Don’t stop just before the end. Usually referred to as “brakers”, these people fear getting their feet caught because they abruptly halt at the top of the escalators.

- Don’t stand too close. When a throng of people leave an escalator-walker with no choice but to stand, the “touchers” ignore the two-step exclusion zone.

The one theme that runs throughout all three of these is access. Likewise, to keep ambitious and impatient employees engaged, we need to give them access in three ways.

Be less of a blocker. Provide employees with access to interact with senior managers, access to be involved in major projects, and access to participate in important discussions.

Be less of a braker. Building their resume means the world to ambitious employees, so give them access to mentors, guides, training, and be their advocate.

Be less of a toucher. Expand access levels by avoiding micromanagement. Give them the space to make decisions, accept what they come up with, and even let them fail.

Ambitious and impatient employees might be the ones demanding progress, but at the end of the day, a primary driver of engagement is every employee’s progress in whichever way they define it. This is summed up by comedian, Mitch Hedberg, who said:

“An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an ‘Escalator temporarily out of order’ sign, just ‘Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience’."
Read more...

The Attitude of Gratitude By Zig Ziglar

Humbly grateful or gratefully humble? In a recent sermon Dr. Jack Graham of Prestonwood Baptist Church in Dallas points out that each person in his or her lifetime will cultivate either an attitude or spirit of thanksgiving, gratitude and thankfulness, or an attitude or life as a cynic, full of anger, bitterness and arrogance. He expands on this by pointing out that a grateful child, by-and-large, is far more likely to be a happy child. He also says a person who is hostile, angry and critical, who is a fault-finder, is basically an ungrateful person.

Dr. Graham then goes on to emphasize that gratitude sweetens our disposition, brightens our day, and encourages those around us. He also says that gratitude will help make us healthy, is the antidote for every negative emotion in our lives, and that virtually every negative thought - anger, worry, fear, hostility or doubt - has at its root ingratitude.

Gratitude will not only make you healthy and happy, it will also change your perspective in life. Happy people basically focus on others; unhappy people focus on themselves and wallow in self-pity and doubt. Grateful people are far more optimistic and see whatever circumstances they're in as an opportunity for good.

Dr. Graham then elaborates and says if you can't think of something to be grateful for each morning, then think of some of the things you don't have that you can be grateful for. For example, you can be grateful that you don't have a fatal disease or unemployment staring you in the face. That gives all of us a great deal to think about, doesn't it?

Of all the "attitudes" we can acquire, surely the attitude of gratitude is the most important and by far the most life-changing. Adopt that attitude
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Your Dimension Of Greatness

No one can know the potential,
Of a life that is committed to win;
With courage - the challenge it faces,
To achieve great success in the end!

So, explore the Dimension of Greatness,
And believe that the world CAN be won;
By a mind that is fully committed,
KNOWING the task can be done!

Your world has no place for the skeptic,
No room for the DOUBTER to stand;
To weaken your firm resolution
That you CAN EXCEL in this land!

We must have VISION TO SEE our potential,
And FAITH TO BELIEVE that we can;
Then COURAGE TO ACT with conviction,
To become what GOD MEANT us to be!

So, possess the strength and the courage,
To conquer WHATEVER you choose;
It's the person WHO NEVER GETS STARTED,
That is destined FOREVER to lose!

--- Author Unknown
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Prescription For Happiness by Robert Louis Stevenson

Make up your mind to be happy. Learn to find pleasure in simple things.

Make the best of your circumstances. No one has everything and everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears.


Don't take yourself too seriously.

You can't please everybody; don't let criticism worry you.

Don't let your neighbor set your standards.

Do the things you enjoy doing, but stay out of debt.

Don't borrow trouble. Imaginary things are harder to bear than the actual ones.

Since hate poisons the soul, do not cherish enmities and grudges.

Don't hold post-mortems. Don't spend your life brooding over sorrows and mistakes. Don't be one who never gets over things.

Do what you can for those less fortunate than yourself.

Keep busy at something. A very busy person never has time to be unhappy.

For maximum effectiveness, this prescription should be taken as often as needed. Unlimited refills available.

Share with your friends.

--- Robert Louis Stevenson
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Beyonce - If I Were A Boy

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Jed Madela - The Past

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Bad English - When I See You Smile

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Jericho Rosales - Beautiful In My Eyes

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EMMA WATSON

I used to idolized Emma Watson. The cute girl from Harry Potter movies. Her fashion statement really draws my attention. I really love the way she look. You check out more about Emma Watson at http://hubpages.com/tag/emma+watson/hot

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Multitasking is Out, Pinpointed FOCUS is IN!

Multitasking is Out, Pinpointed FOCUS is IN! - By Rhonda Hess

To do two things at once is to do neither. - Unknown

Have you ever had this experience?...

You're working on a project that requires creativity, such as writing your e-zine or designing a marketing campaign, and suddenly the phone rings, jolting you out of deep concentration. Even if you don't answer the phone, it takes a few beats before you can re-anchor into what you were doing before.

That time lapse is your "mental CEO" shifting from one task, with a specific goal and set of "rules," to another, with a completely different goal and set of rules. That shift takes time. The more complex the tasks, the longer the shift takes.

What else are you trying to do while reading this article?

Sure, we can multitask. We might even believe we can do it without losing efficiency. But we would be fooling ourselves.

It has been proven in scientific studies that toggling between tasks slows the brain down. In effect, multitasking makes us momentarily stupid -- unable to establish priorities, focus, or integrate anything new

Have you ever tried to read your email while listening to a teleclass? How about trying to have a serious conversation on your cell phone while driving?

Yes? Then you know that neither was done with your full presence or capacity. It's as if you weren't there for half of the time. You neither fully understood the emails nor fully integrated what the teleclass offered. Too little of your consciousness was on driving -- scary -- and you couldn't fully connect in the conversation.

We all know that multitasking has real costs. So why do we still do it?

It's ingrained in our habits. All the "time-saving" devices of our technological age encourage us to be distracted and lose the ability to focus. And that's a significant loss because focus is what brings prosperity. Distraction keeps us from it.
Focus means your full attention. Here are five daily practices to attain pinpointed focus and stop multitasking.

1. Clear your desk of anything unrelated to your current goal. Things command attention. The less you have before you, the less likely you'll be distracted.

2. Schedule your time into blocks so that you can focus in on one individual task at a time. Include separate blocks for completing high payoff actions, emailing, working with clients, planning, etc. Then set sacred boundaries around those tasks. Complete one, then move on.

3. Do the most important thing first. High payoff actions are the things that will have the biggest positive impact on your success. What will bring you the results you want most quickly? Put that first, always.

4. Take short breaks away from technology between time blocks or tasks. Take a walk around the block, play music, do something physical or creative. This will clear your mind and help your mental CEO recalibrate to the next task.

5. Plan for tomorrow. Schedule 1 to 3 high payoff activities for the next business day.

Become a master single-tasker!

- By Rhonda Hess
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INNER RESEARCH

When was the last time you sat down and assessed your life?

You know where you've been, how the changes you've made in the past are affecting you today but do you know where you want to be in the future and what aspects of your personal style are standing in your way of moving forward towards the life you really want to live?

Don't wait until some event causes you to do this. Make a conscious choice to do it now.

What are the benefits of deciding to look inside?

Suddenly you are allowing yourself to do something precious - you are giving yourself time to explore YOU. Every one of us is overbooked in our lives with little time to do anything for ourselves. We have jobs, families and friends who all demand our attention. How can we bring more to our daily relationships if we don't take the time to know and understand ourselves first?I won't kid you and say it is all rosy when you do your inner research. Sometimes you have to deal with issues you swept under the rug - knowing one day you would have to look at them again. But guess what? Today is all any of us gets, and even this is not a guarantee. So look inside - deal with what you want to avoid now. Get it out of the way so you can move forward.Don't wait until you are at your lowest; in your deepest, darkest black hole. Do your inner research first while you are strong and confident. Once you identify what needs to be done, look at this as your breakthrough time; a time of awakening, new beginnings, ridding the past and coming into the present and the future.You can now begin to rebuild, restore, and repair. Only now can you build a new foundation, your dream foundation.One thing I do recommend is to also thank yourself for all the courage you have shown in the past, for everyone has had rocky roads at sometime in his or her life. Celebrate the challenges you have overcome. Examine the times you have not triumphed and the lessons you were supposed to learn as a result. Be truthful.If you make a commitment to improve at least one aspect of your personality and develop a game plan with a start date, before you know it, you will be on your way to the life you really want.Seize this time to be the New you. This is where it all begins.

~ Marlene Blaszczyk
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